My additional duty as a marriage counsellor has provided me with lots of experience, some of which will, from time to time, be discussed to enrich the understanding of both husband and wife, and those planning to enter marriages soon. As a pastor, I hope that non-Christian readers will forgive me, if I write from a Christian perspective, even though what is discussed may be applicable to all ‘types’ of husbands and wives. When St. Paul’s assertion “love is kind” (seen in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) is put into practice in its totality, it works up the sentiments of fondness towards the wife or husband and makes the marriage tick and swing in joy.
A husband who has love for the wife is indeed kind to her; and the greatest aspect of kindness is giving- giving freely to the wife. In fact, there are some husbands who are so mean (what is known in Akan as ‘pepei’) that even if they have enough money, they would not so much as give a little part of it as pocket money or pin money.
When such a husband gives the ‘chop money’, (i.e. money for the family meals) that’s the end of it, and sometimes the ‘chop money’ might not be sufficient, yet the wife is told to manage it, even though she might not be doing any work from which she can earn money to supplement it.
It is really unfair for a husband not to give just a little extra money (pin money) to the wife, say, every week or every month ending, from which she can buy petty things she may need but which she may not be able to tell the husband always- for example, earring, necklaces, brassieres, soap, body cream menstrual pad etc. or such dainties as sugar cane, pineapple, biscuits etc. for which she may have strong appetite. That, of course, doesn’t mean the wife should immediately become ‘anumu-dew’ woman (described by someone as sweets-loving or mouth-sweet woman).
If a ‘mouth-sweet’ woman is not given any pin money, the danger is that she may be tempted to take part of the ‘chop money’ to purchase such dainties as ‘buffolotte’ or ‘sweet-bad’ or meat pie pastry, etc in the market. And that might make the money become short in the market; so if that affects the ‘fish allocation’ for the husband, then whose fault is it?
I know of an unkind husband who was so mean that he virtually controlled the sharing of the meat in the soup. When the evening soup was ready, the wife was obliged to give him a ladle (the large spoon called ‘kwanta’ or ‘kwankora’ in Akan). And it was his duty to ‘distribute’ the meat ‘economically’. To the wife and children, he gave “little doles,” whilst he himself took a large chunk of it. The reason? He was the chop-money provider! So all over the town, he was nicknamed “benuu-nkwanmu” (Mr. Soup Stirrer). Men who are of this disposition- so mean, so unkind, so uncharitable- make their wives feel rather uncomfortable in the marriage.
But sometimes too, some men become unkind because the wives become cold to their husbands’ kind gestures. In a certain town where I was teaching some years ago, an inmate of our house who was a husband to a beautiful lady used to give good gifts to her. Sometimes it was a dress or cake, or a necklace or some biscuits etc. These were given during the weekends. But the wife never said ‘thank you’ to the husband for the gifts given to her.
On one occasion, when the wife’s visiting friend jokingly scolded her for not saying “thank you” when some beautiful earrings were bought for her by the husband, the wife replied: “Ah leave me alone, have I sent him to buy me anything? If he has got money and he is spoiling it on gifts, how do I care about it”?
That sounded a little boorish, didn’t it? And the husband was greatly hurt by such attitude that showed ingratitude for all that he had given to her. And never did he give anything to her again. The wife should have received the gifts with joy and with a thank-you encouragement.
Next is St. Paul’s assertion that “love does not envy”. The word ‘envy’, known as ‘kinah’ in Hebrew, and ‘phtmos’ in Greek, is defined as “ill-will, or malignant passion which sees in another some qualities which it covets and hates their possessor”. In this case, its definition in Akan ‘ehi’ appears to be a sheer under-emphasis of what the word seriously means, because envy connotes hatred, and as Professor Unger says, it is accompanied by “every evil work”.
In this context, If St. Paul says, “love does not envy”, the husband is then counselled not to envy anything of the wife – in case the wife is wealthier, more intellectual, more highly placed in the society, more spiritual etc. he cannot be a loving husband who envies. The opposite is also true. Real love eschews even the slightest envy.
Love “does not boast” is another wise-saying of St. Paul. A husband who considers his parentage or himself to be better than that of the wife in terms of education, wealth or social status, and therefore does not give a whit of respect to her is not showing love. To tell the woman that “You didn’t attend any good school; I attended a better well-known school and went to a better University” is something boastful. And that can disturb the peace of the marriage or wreck it altogether, for that amounts to demeaning the lady!
Anyone who loves the wife does not talk boastfully to her. He rather relates to her in a humble way. That is the kind of emotional love required of him in the marriage.
The Wife’s Love
Having dealt with some aspects of the husband’s love towards the wife in the Christian home (according to St. Paul’s talks on love), I shall now deem it expedient to turn to the wife’s love and discuss it in terms of the same Paulian Scriptures.
First of all, it is to be borne in mind that St. Paul’s admonition, “Husband, love your wives as Christ also loved the Church and gave himself for it, so should men love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:25-28) does not imply that it is the husband who alone should love or show love, thus ruling out the manifestation of the wife’s love towards the husband. No!
Love in marriage is a two-way affair, and this is re-echoed in St. Paul’s assertion: “for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other” (1 Thessalonians 4:9) which contextually implies ‘mutual love,’ what in Greek in known as ‘philadelphia’.
Thus the kind of love also expected of a wife should operate on four planes, namely: spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. The spiritual love of the wife towards the husband can be expressed variously: through intercession or praying for the husband’s well-being, success in his business, good health, promotion in his job, and protection; or through her joining the husband in worshipping the Lord in private devotions at home and in Church.
In some Christian homes, there, unfortunately, exists that sort of spiritual or religious disagreement in which the wife is seen to be a member of a different denomination, say, Methodist or Presbyterian or Lutheran or Pentecost, whilst the husband is a Catholic, or vice versa. When, for instance, a Pentecost wife refuses to join her Catholic husband in the Catholic Church, both of them find it difficult to come together to pray or worship at home, because of certain doctrinal differences.
There is a spiritual disunity here. If care is not taken, this disunity may often work itself up into sharp dissensions over some Bible doctrines, in which for example, the Pentecostal wife may frivolously or impiously deride the Catholic husband’s use of the rosary, or may ignorantly denounce the husband’s use of a statue on the prayer altar as amounting to idol worshipping; and this may explode in serious quarrels that might land the marriage into troubles.
The solution to this often lies in the wife’s consent to attend the husband’s church; and that compromise is in fact the highest expression of her spiritual love for the husband. But where, both have agreed to let each other go to his or her church then there must be such mutual tolerance as it may sometimes impel them to pray together.
In fact, spiritual unity between husband and wife is a point stressed more cogently by Prophet Amos who rhetorically asks: “Can two walk together, except they have agreed to do so”? (Amos 3:3). The key word here is ‘agreed,’ which means a spiritual fusion. Love in this respect, means: readiness to agree with one’s partner. So if the wife really loves her husband she may agree to his loving suggestion to attend the same church (some exceptional cases are granted) or to pray together.
Where there is such agreement, spiritual love is richly intensified or heightened to lofty heights, and this may express itself also in the wife’s act of inviting the husband to pray together or fast or sing or learn the Scriptures together. It is to be noted that singing is either a form of praying or praising God, and it conduces to great spiritual growth, if the couple often sing together. Fasting can also be done by the wife alone if she needs something very urgent from the Lord on behalf of her husband. And such an initiative, of course, shows great love.
Next is ‘mental’ love from the wife which expresses itself in the act of studying the Word of God with the husband. Oftentimes, the wife plays second fiddle in this exercise, but where the husband is deficient in Bible Knowledge and the wife is more proficient, then it is incumbent on her to lead in Bible studies and discussions in a brother-sister mood. This should be devoid of derision or unnecessary rebuke when either wife or husband goes wrong.
Studying the Word of God may take the form of reading a passage of the Bible and discussing its context, meaning, and general relevance to various aspects of life. Notes can be taken where necessary. Thus armed with very good knowledge of the Bible, the couple can teach the children some Scriptures or give them simple Bible quizzes. At least the weekends can be allotted for husband-wife Bible studies and Bible teaching.
In all these Bible studies and teachings, the wife is expected to play a pivotal role. She may have to prepare the Bible studies table and chairs, assist in the teaching of the Bible to the children, etc. Her interest or enthusiasm in Bible studies and religious discussions in the Christian home is always very essential.
By Apostle Kwamena Ahinful
